The Three Stages of Elder Care
An occasional personal commentary on work life integration by Jessica DeGroot, ThirdPath’s Founder and President
That handsome couple in the photo are my in-laws. Fall 2015 my father-in-law suddenly got very sick. And being blessed with four parents who were in their 80s – it gave me and my husband a glimpse into the next chapter of how we would be balancing work and caregiving.
Today, I am only blessed with my mother. Having just celebrated her 96th birthday, she amazes everyone she meets with her continued commitment to enjoy her life, friends and family.
However, a recent health challenge reminded me that when it comes to elder care there is always another crisis waiting around the corner.
I first learned about this a long time ago when my husband and I were helping care for his father. In short, we learned there were always going to be 3 stages in an elder care crisis.
Stage 1 – The Crisis – As my husband Jeff and I dropped our youngest off at college, and imagined our new lives as empty nesters, my father-in-law was admitted to a hospital after a fall, and experienced “hospital induced delirium.” This is a sudden change in a patient’s mental state that looks like full onset Alzheimer’s. 20% of elderly patients get this. Some recover in 24 hours. For my father-in-law, it took almost 4 months. Suddenly our lives were turned upside down trying to understand the problem and figure out what we could do to help him return to his previously healthy state.
Stage 2 – The Continued Investment in Time – Within a week he was moved to a rehab facility. Once there, he received a schedule of regular activities to help with his recovery, but it was also clear having people he knew spend time with him was critical to his progress. When left alone, he would regress. But when we made sure a family member was there from breakfast through dinner to talk, read, watch TV and play cards with him, he slowly recovered. Eventually he returned to his own home – at first with 24 hour care – but in time, even this was reduced and then eliminated.
Stage 3 – The “New Normal” – Read Atul Gawande’s book, Being Mortal, and you will better understand the truth about stage 3. Yes, my father-in-law over time significantly recovered. And yes, things could have been much worse. But for most of us, this stage in life brings with it a slow decline in our abilities. Jeff and I also quickly learned that stage 3 is the “pre-crisis” stage. And at some unexpected future point, we would both be dealing with another crisis.
How did sharing childcare with Jeffrey help us better manage these changes?
- Jeff and I have always worked as a team to share in the care of our children. We both equally value creating time for family, and both wanted to make this a priority in our life.
- We both also have a long history of redesigning work to create more time for life. This means were both already experts at “redesigning” our work to create time for care.
- We also knew sharing in the care meant that someone we could 100% trust was helping with the care – which freed us up to focus on other things, including spending time at work.
- And most importantly, we learned when we disagreed about what needed to be done, we could work through these differences. It was reassuring to know that the flare ups around elder care were just one of the steps towards finding greater common ground.
Over time, my father-in-law recovered. I also knew this wouldn’t be the last time one of our parents would need our help, but by working together to share in the care of our aging loved ones, I knew we would better manage whatever crisis came our way.
Elder care and remote or hybrid work
Here’s another thing I learned about elder care – being able to work a flexible schedule as well as work remotely has been indispensable.
About 12 years ago, I started spending a week working from my parent’s house every other month, to “keep an eye on how they were doing” as my father said.
About 5 years ago I lost my father, and now I continue this tradition with just my mom. And as I spent 10 days with her helping her through “stage two” of the most recent crisis, I could relatively easily care for my mom and get my work done.
I know I started ThirdPath so parents could have plenty of time with their children. However, my mom would tell you, it’s also been a great approach to help care for our aging loved ones.