A Guest Blog by Lisa Levey
The best Father’s Day gift: let Dad parent on his own
This Father’s Day, instead of a tie, a new shirt, or a watch, know that the best present you can give your man is the room to develop into the father he wants to be.
Full immersion during the earliest days and months of their child’s life provides women with an in-depth parenting tutorial. Supporting dads to also create routine “dad time” becomes an equally powerful way for men to learn and build their competence as caregivers.
While conducting research for my book The Libra Solution: Shedding Excess and Redefining Success at Work and at Home, one mom described how her husband was more successful than she in helping her infant to become a better sleeper. Despite multiple attempts on her part, it was during one of her business trips when her daughter learned to sleep through the night.
In another conversation, a mom’s story highlighted the power of becoming parenting partners: She was growing increasingly frustrated with her toddler son who repeatedly demanded she get him new pants when the ones he tried on were too small. Her son broke down and ran to his father who gently suggested the boy was sad because his pants no longer fit. The mom noticed, “It made me relax to watch my husband have more compassion with my son’s emotions. I am constantly adapting my idea of what parenting is based on by what I try, what my husband tries, and what seems to work.”
I’ll never forget the night when my husband discovered the magic of the vacuum cleaner. Our younger son was a borderline colicky infant, sometimes crying without stop for more than an hour, and nothing seemed to help. One night I came home from having dinner with a friend and my husband was triumphant. He explained that after trying all the tricks up his sleeve to calm our son—feeding, changing, rocking, singing—he remembered hearing the sound of a vacuum cleaner can sometimes help. He decided to give it a try and as if by magic, he flipped the on switch and in mere seconds our son stopped crying, relaxed and soon fell asleep.
Sociologists have a term—maternal gate keeping—for mothers seeking to control the parenting terms of engagement. Researchers have found that the mother’s encouragement—or discouragement—directly impacts how involved fathers are in caring for their children. Understandably, ongoing discouragement moves dads to pull back and robs them of the opportunity to learn and grow as parents. In contrast, when fathers are given the space to parent in the way that feels natural for them, children, men, and families all benefit.
(This article first appeared on RoleReboot.org – June 15, 2012.)