A guest blog post written by Heather Cluley Bar-Or
Co-author of: Navigating Your Job While Parenting Teens
Facilitator of ThirdPath’s Parenting Teens Discussion Circles
At ThirdPath Institute, we know that parents don’t have to figure out balancing work while meeting the needs of your teen all alone. Instead, they can figure it out together, in conversation with other parents who are living it too. That’s exactly the spirit behind this piece from Heather Cluley Bar-Or, ThirdPath board member, co-author of Navigating Your Job While Parenting Teens, and facilitator of our Parenting Teens Discussion Circles. Below, Heather reflects on what fifteen years of parenting, and countless conversations with other parents, have taught her about raising teens while holding onto a career and a sense of self.
If her story resonates, bring your experiences and questions to our ThirdPath HUB, where these conversations continue all year long.
Talking to Other Parents Beats Google
Talking to other parents is better than any advice you get from an internet search and the resulting A.I. overview. I’m in my 15th year of talking to other parents, asking them for advice, and just listening to their stories and realizing my kid’s antics are on par with other families’ experiences. I do my research too. My favorite books & podcasts for parenting teens are by the remarkable Lisa Damour. I’ve even contributed to a chapter in a Work-Family Ready book about Navigating Your Job While Parenting Teens. But it’s in conversations with other parents that I feel validated, I can translate what I’ve learned into practical advice and feel a bit of needed social connection.
Understanding the Teen Disconnect
Teens are happy to give you more time for yourself. This was a surprising and pleasant change for me. Between the responsibilities of being part of a dual-income family and social expectations for work and home, I had been missing having enough time to myself. In fact, teens are generally meant to be disconnecting from their parents. It’s a developmental stage where they’re striving to establish their own identity and independence. This often looks like arguing with you, or stonewalling you, but this goes hand in hand with teens establishing themselves through experimentation, rapid learning and development, and most importantly through their friendships. While the disconnect can sting, and arguments are frustrating, much of teens’ behavior is predictable and normal if you think about it in terms of the developmental stage. Connecting with my kid looks and feels very different these days, but connecting with other parents is a constant that continues to support me throughout the years.
Finding Community Through ThirdPath
Now I’m helping facilitate monthly conversations of parents of teens through the non-profit, ThirdPath Institute. I’ve volunteered with ThirdPath in various capacities over the years and I’ve recently joined the board of the organization. (As an aside, one nice thing about the teen years is that it frees you up to spend more time on your passion projects … as long as you can fit them around the demands of chauffeuring your teen).
It Starts Earlier Than You Think
My involvement with the parenting teens discussion circle is one of my favorite activities at ThirdPath. One thing I’ve learned in conversations with other parents of tweens and teens is that we are all surprised how early the teen behavior and teen years start. You can see shifts in attitudes, moods, and behaviors as early as 8 or 9 years old. Also, it’s not a linear progression, teens can act like kids one day and adult-like on other days.
What Doesn’t Change (and What Does)
In a few ways, parenting teens is the same as parenting younger kids. Research has shown that good parenting is in the middle ground between controlling and permissive parenting1, 2, no matter the age of your kids. Also, different kids have different interests and needs. Younger teens are often testing independence in small, visible ways like pushing curfews, and negotiating screen time, while older teens are more focused on figuring out who they are outside the family, which can look like pulling away entirely. It’s an age of exploration. This means your teen might express different needs, interests, and even personalities each and every day. If you know your kid, you’ll know how much independence they can handle responsibly, what new experiments are likely to stick and which ones will probably be a temporary thing, and what to look for as signs that they’re in real trouble. But it’s also easy to get frustrated and to be caught off guard. At all stages, other parents are a great place to start when you’re not sure and when you need trusted recommendations.
Join The ThirdPath HUB
Okay, I can’t say that parenting a teenager is all fun and joy. But, it is such an interesting and exciting age. Maybe you’re not there yet, but you have some foreboding or curiosity. Maybe you’re already parenting a teen and are looking for a chat. Check out some of the resources I posted below and especially be sure to join me and other parents of teens in the ThirdPath HUB.
As your teen changes friends, activities and schools, don’t miss the opportunity of developing a circle of parents you can lean on for a reality check as you ride the highs and lows.
Resources
Check out these resources:
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers (and other resources) by Lisa Damour
Navigating Your Job While Parenting Teens edited by Scott Behson
ThirdPath Discussion Circle – Teen Years
Foot notes
1. Hoeve, M., Dubas, J. S., Eichelsheim, V. I., Van der Laan, P. H., Smeenk, W., & Gerris, J. R. (2009). The relationship between parenting and delinquency: A meta-analysis. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 37(6), 749-775.
2. Pinquart, M. (2016). Associations of parenting styles and dimensions with academic achievement in children and adolescents: A meta-analysis. Educational psychology review, 28(3), 475-493.