By Jessica DeGroot and Karin McGrath Dunn
ThirdPath has been taking a deep dive into what it means to be “maxed out” by work, life, or both. Recently, we decided to revisit the topic with Karin McGrath Dunn, an executive coach who helps run our leadership groups. Here are some of the questions we covered as professionals manage overload at different points in their careers.
Question: What are your strongest memories of feeling Maxed Out and what caused it?
Jessica: There are three moments that immediately come to mind. The first was when Jeff and I went from being parents of one child to two children. We knew it was something we wanted to do, but we were surprised to find how much it was exponentially more work and unsure of what the “new normal” would be.
I also remember coming close to burnout when building ThirdPath’s first website. Once again there was a lot of uncertainty, but this time there was added pressure to get it done by a certain date.
This summer was challenging from work and family. As you know, we launched a super exciting new resource, The ThirdPath HUB. I was also doing this while helping my mom through a major health crisis. I am happy to say she is much better, but it included months of unpredictability, including uncertainty around the outcome and the need for lots of extra help which came with its own complications.
Karin: One of my most memorable maxed-out moments was November 2013, when my 2 ½ year old son was melting down and refusing to go to preschool every morning, and my 6 year-old daughter had just transferred to a school farther from home, meaning earlier mornings and more driving for me. I had a high profile and pressure-filled job, and that fall was a really busy work season where both my husband and I had to travel and work evenings. And then I went on a work trip where I had insomnia every night and back-to-back meetings each day. And then my kids were sick for a week, and then, and then… I just remember heading into that holiday season just feeling so incredibly depleted and personally “spent”.
Question: Did you learn anything from these experiences that helped you better manage an integrated approach to work and life going forward?
Karin: I had this idea that I needed to be constantly “professional and polished.” I can now see how all the “shoulds” made everything harder, including the assumption that Vice Presidents should not have childcare issues. This meant a lot of pretending that I was fine and not telling anyone how much I was burning out.
In hindsight, I needed more REAL people that I could be completely honest with about how hard the work and life pressures actually felt. People who would tell me, “hey, no one really cares about the laundry on your couch,” or “stop making your house constantly ‘guest ready.’” To keep my head on straight I’ve also prioritized my own health and have adopted daily morning walks, sometimes alone, and sometimes with the other working moms.
Today, I turn to others and admit when I’m starting to feel “underwater.” I also ask myself what can be temporarily neglected and proactively block my calendar so I don’t get pulled in too many directions. Most importantly, I’ve learned to hold space for the unexpected – the inevitable things that will crop up but are not yet accounted for.
Question: Are some of the challenges around being Maxed Out connected to your life stage?
Jessica: One of my favorite articles this year is by Daisy Auger-Domínguez, titled, Burnout Looks Different Across the Organizational Chart (April HBR). She does a fantastic job explaining how the causes of burnout shift over the course of your career. When sharing this with ThirdPath’s leadership groups, we also talked about how our life responsibilities shift over time.
As one of the fathers in our groups explained, as he moved ahead in his career while also becoming a new dad, it was hard to stick to his 4-day compressed work week. To do this, he acknowledged, required a lot of late nights as a way to catch up. Another leader talked about how she ended up changing where she worked, in part because of the competition between peers that had added another layer of stress.
As Auger-Dominquez explains, middle “managers are expected to translate strategy, withstand pressure, stabilize teams, and deliver results, often with unclear decision-making authority and limited resources.” She then goes on to say, and “in organizations that celebrate flexibility without guardrails, work doesn’t disappear; it leaks. Flexibility turns into constant availability. Personal time becomes overflow capacity.”
Karin: I agree. Burnout does look different across the work-life seasons and stages. What maxed me out at 30 isn’t what maxes me out today at 53. When my kids were small it was so hands-on! Diapers, driving, preschool meltdowns, bedtime routines, construction projects at work, managing employees, and hunting through paper files. Now it’s so different – I do more higher-level strategic work and far less hands-on day to day work. There is still a high volume of tasks and an endless to-do list, but now I have a better sense of what the priorities are, better guardrails, and people I can delegate to – all of this helps.
Question: Does the potential for burnout ease up late career?
Jessica – Work and life just keep on changing. Early in my career, my mother-in-law was an amazing resource to our family. Then, the same day that Jeff and I dropped off our youngest child at college we began a 10+ year journey into elder care.
As senior leaders we are also managing different demands on the work side. One of our senior leaders explained, “You are trying to balance employee needs and shareholder needs. These are heavy decisions.” But my group reminded me, being part of ThirdPath’s leadership group has helped them set boundaries, continue to invent what they could do differently, and most importantly, stay clear about what was most important to hold on to.
Karin: I’ve also learned, the decisions as a senior leader and parent – both at work and at home – become increasingly mentally and emotionally exhausting.
People are also always going to insert themselves into your agenda, asking for something and trying to get you to do what they need. It is your responsibility to hold the line for yourself, so you avoid “grinding through it mode” where you deplete your energy and enthusiasm and instead become an isolated working machine.
I’ve also learned that Fall is my hardest season – my kids still need help transitioning into a new school year, even if it’s more about strategy, than school supplies and carpools. Over time, I’ve learned I need a lot of buffers built into September, I need to say no more than feels comfortable, and I can’t take on last-minute tasks. I have to protect my time to pro-actively include rest, so I can make it to Christmas!
Question: What advice would you give to someone earlier in their career to help reduce the chances of becoming Maxed Out?
Jessica: Once again I’m reminded of the Auger-Dominquez article and the enormous energy early career professionals need to spend on “decoding” invisible rules. Or as Auger-Dominquez explains, “how fast is fast enough, who actually has authority, and whether asking for clarity signals initiative or incompetence.” What does “good” really look like, especially in a world increasingly impacted by AI.
Nevertheless, intentionality can go a long way. Even before meeting Jeff I had already been experimenting with ways to approach work in a more flexible way. I also knew it was important to find a partner who wanted to share in our children’s care. Today, ThirdPath’s HUB provides a community of people who have explored these ideas, many even working in hybrid and remote work environments long before Covid.
Karin: I think a lot of early-career burnout comes from chasing what looks impressive instead of what actually fits your life and family needs. The sooner you can let go of the perfect house, perfect presentation and perfect kids, the fewer years you’ll spend maxed out, grinding, and living the life others believe you “should” want.
That’s why I really like The ThirdPath HUB. In fact, one of the best gifts ThirdPath, and you, have given me is hearing from others about how hard it can be, as well as the solutions they’ve tried, and how it all changes over a lifetime.