In her book This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be, Kristin Maschka shares her struggles on the road to work-family balance. Her story is a powerful reminder that lasting change usually requires more than one person trying harder. If families are going to have a real chance at something sustainable, it will take changes across the whole system, including work, home, organizations and public policy.
After the birth of their daughter, Kristin was unable to negotiate a part-time arrangement with her employer, and then she was laid off from the next part-time arrangement she found. That left David as the sole breadwinner, working 70 plus hours a week at a law firm. Kristin writes, “When Kate was eight months old, after endless weeks of David being at work all hours on all days, I hit the wall.” She went on to describe the breaking point clearly: “If you can’t figure out a way to fix this mess and spend more time with us and less time at work, I’m leaving with Kate for my parents’ house in Minnesota, and I’m not coming back until you do!”
David was struggling too. His boss and colleagues assumed he could work and travel on demand because Kristin would take care of everything else, and he got very little alone time with their new baby. What they were living through was not just a scheduling problem. It was a family system under strain.
One of the most important lessons in Kristin’s story is that integrating work and family is not “my problem” but “our problem.” Once Kristin and David stopped blaming each other, they could start working together to find jobs and rhythms that would better meet the needs of their whole family. They also learned that there was no single fix. Their daughter’s needs changed, their jobs changed, and their lives changed. Progress came through constant tinkering, communication, and collaboration.
Many of Kristin and David’s lessons continue to be right on target today:
- Know your ideal jobs and what it will take for the two jobs to fit together.
- Small steps in a shared direction can make everyone feel better.
- Experiment with ways to relieve critical pressure points as quickly as possible.
- Create regular time to review progress and make plans together.
- Invest money and time to do whatever it takes to make progress toward your vision.
- Ask for help from friends and family.
- Celebrate small victories along the way.
Kristin also reflected on what gave her the courage to keep pushing for change. She said, “I knew what I would lose. I’d lose my marriage, maybe not literally, but something vital at its core.” She understood that if they gave up on shared responsibility, they would also give up on one of the core values at the heart of their relationship. She wanted more than survival. She wanted a partnership that could actually stand the test of time.
Want to learn more? Listen to our Taking Your Third Path podcast with Jessica DeGroot and Kate Mangino. They explore the tension between love, work, caregiving, and fairness and uncover the kind of thinking families need in order to discover their best solution.
In this episode, Jessica and Kate put a spotlight on families where one parent is experiencing increasing resentment, the impact of greedy jobs, and the opportunities of building a life where both parents find a more satisfying approach to work and care responsibilities.
The conversation covers flexibility, capacity, communication, and the importance of getting on the same side of the table so that couples can solve their problems together. They also explore how many of the challenge families face are shaped by workplaces, not just by families themselves. Take a listen. We’re sure you will gain a few insights and ideas for next steps as you reimagine what shared responsibilities can really look like.
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