An occasional post by Jessica DeGroot
All this year the theme of our Taking Your ThirdPath podcasts has been “What’s Your Why” – the reason you began your work-life integration journey and how it changed over time.
The October podcast focused on parents pushing back against traditional gender norms in providing childcare and financial support, and managing a household.
But the journey doesn’t end there. Our need to integrate work and care continues throughout our lives, and the chapter we write around eldercare, just like the other chapters, has the potential of being both challenging and rewarding.
Two books have helped guide me through my eldercare journey:
- One is The AARP Caregiver Answer Book by Barry Jacobs and Julia Mayer, a husband and wife team who have put the “ThirdPath Approach” into practice their entire careers.
- The other is by Amy Goyer, Juggling Life Work and Caregiving.
Together, these books show the two sides of eldercare.
The nuts, bolts AND emotions of eldercare
Barry and Julia’s book uses a question and answer style to raise concerns that resonate with anyone dealing with eldercare.
Take, for example:
- I listen carefully to the doctor, but don’t always understand what’s going on …
- My mother refuses to listen to what the physician says …
- How do I balance my parents’ needs with the needs of my own family …
Each chapter also ends with tips, including how to have a productive conversation with your aging loved one:
- Pick the right time and place
- Be loving and curious
- Be patient. It’s going to be an ongoing process
Barry and Julia even have a whole chapter on “Communicating with Dignity,” which gets at the emotional side of eldercare:
- My dad thinks I’m ordering him around … what do I do?
- My parent has dementia and is often angry … what can I do?
Its summary lists what helps promote a sense of dignity:
- Feeling inherently valuable and worthy
- Feeling heard by others
- Being treated with respect
- Having one’s wishes honored where possible
- Knowing that others care about who we are, not just what we do or need
Communication And Teamwork
Amy Goyer’s book is full of practical advice for managing your eldercare journey. It is also a GREAT resource to return to as your situation keeps changing. Right from the first chapter, you’ll find ideas that make the impossible just a little more within your control. Her Caregiving Plan has five steps:
- 360 review of your skills and strengths
- 360 review of your loved one’s needs
- Evaluate your goals, needs and any gaps
- Determine how to fill the gaps
- Create a realistic budget
Later chapters help you build a Caregiving Team, matching people who are willing to help with roles they are comfortable doing rather than taking it all on yourself, and cover everything from paperwork and legal matters to crisis management and life after caregiving.
Eldercare is a workplace issue, and it’s growing
If you’re juggling work and eldercare right now, you are far from alone. Consider the numbers:
- More of us are providing care. AARP’s Caregiving in the U.S. study found about 63 million Americans (nearly 1 in 4 adults) provide unpaid family care for an adult or child with a complex medical condition or disabliity, up from roughly 53 million in 2020.
- The need is only going to grow. The Census Bureau projects Americans age 65 and older will grow from about 58 million in 2022 to roughly 82 million by 2050.
- Most of us are providing eldercare while working. About 6 in 10 family caregivers hold a job, while spending around 24 hours a week on care.
- Work takes a hit. Most working caregivers report coming in late, leaving early or taking time off, and many cut back hours, turn down promotions or leave the workforce.
That’s why our workplaces have such a big role to play.
How can our workplaces also help with eldercare?
Here’s another thing I learned about eldercare – being able to work a flexible schedule as well as work remotely has been indispensable.
When my parents were in their 80s, I started spending a week working from their house every other month, to “keep an eye on how they were doing,” as my father said. For the last 8 years I’ve continued this tradition with just my mom, and it came in handy again as I helped her through yet another eldercare crisis. Flexing when and where we work will always be an essential part of our work-life integration solutions.
I know I started ThirdPath so parents could have plenty of time with their children. What I didn’t know is how much the skills you learn apply equally well to caring for our aging loved ones.
ThirdPath has learned a lot about what helps people navigate work and caregiving, and we’re excited to share it, along with opportunities to hear from others wrestling with the same things. Want more support managing work and eldercare? Join us in the HUB.